Things The AC Characters Would NEVER Say!
by Mog Anarchy
Summary: The title says it all: Things The Animal Crossing Characters Would NEVER Say! :D Use your imagination, and think of your favourite townsanimals spouting explicits untrue to their very natures!
1. Tom Nook

**Things The Animal Crossing Characters Would NEVER Say!**

**Mog Anarchy**

* * *

**Phrases that would never leave the lips of Tom Nook:**

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_I said; you buy one, you get one free!_

_It's okay, you can pay me next time._

_Oops, that shirt has a button missing – you can have it for 400 bells cheaper._

_Oh wow, a wallet. I better hand this in to Copper._

_Oh, don't be silly, there's nothing worth selling that you find at the dump._

_That's on special offer today._

_It's okay Groucho, you can pay me next time._

_Forget about it, it's on the house._

_Okay, it's on your tab._

_Clean up in aisle nine!_

_Help yourself to anything you like from the candy rack._

_No thanks, I'm on a diet._

_Salad MUST be seasoned with balsamic vinegar – there's simply no contest._

_Here, here's 100 bells, get yourself something nice._

_What would I like? A special salad, and a diet coke, please._

_Wo ho ho ho ho! You get a Christmas bonus!_

_It's okay, tips aren't customary._

_Everything must go!_

_That's not for sale; you can have it for free._

_I'll let you have it for half price._

_No, no. You can have it, I don't mind._

_So, that's two hundred bells for those apples… And here's your tip._

_No thanks, I've just eaten._

_This old thing doesn't fit me anymore… I think I'll donate it to charity._

_Yay, let's recycle!_

_I'm doing my bit to help out those less fortunate than myself._

_Hey Macarena!_

_It goes around the world; like la la lalala!_

_Hey, would you like to help me? I'm baking cookies._

_Do you want the last slice?_

_Whew, I'm stuffed, I can't eat another bite._

_This was worth sixty bells when I bought it… You can have it for ten._

_Going… Going… GONE!_

_Urp, I think I ate too much._

_McDonalds? Yuck, don't be disgusting._

_Cha-cha, real smooth!_

_I am NOT a squirrel!_

_Anything that makes you happy, that's all I care about._

_Yes, what is it? Do you require a raise in your allowance, Timmy?_

_Ah-ah! You've insulted my honour, we shall engage in combat!_

_Oh dear, late for work again? What's wrong, was there a lot of traffic?_

_No worries, I can spare five bells._

_Yum, low in fat._

_Just a second, I'm counting the calories._

_Ninety-eight… Ninety-nine… One-hundred. There; one hundred press-ups. Now, for the treadmill!_

_Nyaaaaaaooow! (Plays air-guitar)_

_Are you ready to RAAAAWK?!_

_Could you pass the spinach?_

_Oh boy, BROCOLLI!_

_Money's not important. As long as I have my loving friends, and a tasty apple, all is well with the world._

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	2. Blathers

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**Phrases that would never leave the beak of Blathers:**

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_Oh, I must be emo._

_Duh… What's two plus two?_

_The capital of England is 'E'. _

_CHOCOLATE MILK MAKES ME HAPPY!_

_Oh boy; pie!_

_Aw, cool! A cockroach – can I touch it? CanIcanIcanIcanI?!_

_Feel free to touch the T-Rex skull – it feels like paper-cuts._

_Mommy, mommy! Celeste won't let me have a go of her Telescope! (Cries)_

_Now where did I put my Metallica CD…?_

_Hey Booker; are you going to that Slipknot gig tonight?_

_K.K. Slider – you're a disgrace to all music. (Takes guitar and rocks out)_

_Dungeons and Dragons? No way; I'm not a nerd. I'm gonna go break some car windshields._

_Smashy smashy!_

_Urgghh…! Museums are so boring… I wanna go to Laser Quest!_

_Oooh, can I have a go of your pistol, Mr. Officer?_

_I use Vidal Sassoon – for natural strength and beauty._

_Oh of course; keeps my feathers looking fresh._

_Would you like some COOKIES? – I baked 'em myself._

_Cicadas are pretty._

_Oh, the soothing sound of a cricket chirp… I can't sleep without it!_

_I'll see you at the poker table, Mr. Businessman._

_You know, sometimes you've just got to feel for the innocent little bugs who are squished underneath the gigantic boot of society – literally speaking that is._

_Owl pellets are a thing of beauty._

_I like bugs. _

_But please, enough about me, tell me about yourself?_

_I'm sorry, I'm a bit shy – I don't like talking._

_Numa-numa, yay! Numa-numa, yay!_

_Oh boy, a Sea Bass! (Munch, crunch, gulp) Yummy. _

_Aww, look at the pretty locusts!_

_Pah, artwork? You call this artwork? I'd rather watch a spider giving birth._

_Care to take a ride in my new Ferrari FGX?_

_Sorry Dad, I can't do my homework now – I'm playing Halo 2._

_DIE YOU BASTARDS, DIE!!_

_I think I'll paint my bedroom pink. Yes, pink – it'll go with the curtains._

_AGH! What did you do to my waistcoat?! NON-BIOLOGICAL WASHING POWER ONLY! I have sensitive feathers!_

_(Cries) Nobody likes me… (Bobs head to_ _My Chemical Romance)_

_Mom! Celeste is wearing my tights again!_

_(Cuts wrists) Everyone hates me! Waaah!_

* * *


	3. Phyllis

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**Phrases that would never leave the bill of Phyllis:**

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_Welcome to the Animal Crossing post office… My name is Phyllis, how may I serve you?_

_Please, take your time._

_No trouble, I have nothing better to do._

_And how are you this fine day?_

_Oh, the clouds. They look like turnips…. Pretty!_

_Would you like a candy, Kiki?_

_Oh don't worry about me, worry about yourself._

_Coronation Street? Oh, don't worry about that, I have Sky Plus. _

_Wow, you paid off your loan! (Claps wings)_

_A, PIZZA HUT, A PIZZA HUT, KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN AND A PIZZA HUT! (Dances)_

_How's the weather outside today?_

_Oh it's okay, there's no rush._

_Cheese and carrots!_

_Have you met my darling sister Pelly? She's quite the character, you know._

_It's okay Pelly, you can have the last cookie, I'm on a diet._

_Coffee? No thank you, caffeine makes me cranky._

_Oh boy; it's 6PM, I better hit the hay._

_I AM NOT A PELLIPER!_

_Oh jeez, I'm all out of free balloons. …Would you like a pretty flower?_

_My name is Phyllis, nice to meet you._

_Aww, a kitty!_

_Can I borrow your stationary? I wanna write a nice letter to Puddles._

_Oh jeez, I'd kill for a ten-ounce T-bone steak right now._

_Heaven is a family-sized pack of back bacon. (Drools over the desk)_

_SUGARSUGARSUGARSUGARSUGAR…!_

_Jeez, I need a Big Mac, damn it. _

_Ah, spring has sprung. It's so beautiful._

_HERE I COME, TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!_

_Here you go, here's my copy of Wario World – play it as long as you like, I don't mind._

_THAT'S MY FREAKING SHOTGUN!!_

_Booker; give me my thong. I'm leaving._

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	4. Booker

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**Phrases that would never leave the jaws of Booker:**

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_There are no items in the lost and found – they've all been stolen by undeserving humans such as yourself._

_No, you cannot take that wallpaper – you didn't lose it. It shall be returned to its rightful owner, you greedy imp._

_I'm going to skip lunch today, I have filing to catch up on._

_Sugar? No thank you, I'm on a diet._

_Coffee? Erk, do you not have any decaff?_

_Either own up to losing this item, or have your head smashed through this gate._

_Do I think? No, I KNOW._

_And one, and two, and a three – get those knees up high – swing your hips, side to side!_

_Yes, I'm taking over the morning aerobics for Copper this year – he's back at the police station, munching on frosted donuts, no doubt._

_Does my bum look big in this?_

_Copper, you're such a butt-sniffer._

_Get out of here, dirty human. I can smell your cocaine._

_Oooh… A hydrant! (Drools)_

_Oh boy! WALKIES!_

_Hey Groucho, want to play fetch with me? You throw the ball; I'll run off and get it!_

_Man's best friend? Don't you dare._

_Oh damn, I forgot my collar. Off to the pound with me, then._

_Fetch the stick, Copper!_

_Donuts? Don't be disgusting._

_Would you like a bite of my banana? _

_You want some bran flakes? High in fibre. _

_Hey Copper… I know a song that'll get on your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves – I know a song that'll get on your nerves…_

_Wow Nook, you have a big nose._

_I could sure go for a flea bath right now._

_Sorry Pelly, I'm going down to acre B-3 to piss on things with Bizkit… Seeya._

_Yo, Pizza Palace? Ten inch vegetarian special – and don't you dare be stingy with the side salad!_

_Aaak! Sweet mother of mercy; twenty grams of saturated fat!? (Faints)_

_We all most get together and burn less of these wonderful fossil fuels. Global warming is bad!_

_Oh boy, my monthly subscription to "Doggy-Style" is here! (Drools over fold-out)_

_Yo bitches, da pimp, Booka is in da house!_

_(Rapping) Yo-yo-yo; I'm a big, bad doggy, no doubt 'bout it – I'll take out all yer mommas, and hook 'em up on da eggnog-gy. _

_YO WESSIDE! BOOKA'S IN DA HOUSE!_

_Ladies, check out da bling._

_This is one pimped-up pimpmobile, perfect for a pimp like me._

_I collect vintage postcards, you know. I have some from as far as Benidorm!_

_Okey-dokey, ten million pages found, with the phrase "Booker's Bloated Bitches' Boobies." – Awesome, the fans have gone to town!_

_Same time next week, ladies. – Come back for next week's kitchenware party. _

_(Munching on celery sticks) You know; these would taste so much better, with a bit of tomato juice. _

_Copper… You're a homo._

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	5. Gracie

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**Phrases that would never leave the lips of Gracie:**

* * *

_Oh wow Betty; that's a great new look for you!_

_Sheesh, those Neanderthal cavemen sure knew how to dress! (Puts on loincloth)_

_Uga, ugga, uga! Bones, ugga omelettes._

_Trinny and Susanna, my name is Gracie - and I'm desperately in need of some style!_

_My whole outfit came from the bargain bin - isn't it truly DASHING?_

_Hey, this ketchup stain looks like tie-dye!_

_…Please give me your socks. They smell so great, and the colours are awful._

_Those Girafarig sure have it great… (Sigh) I want to be stuffed into a Pokéball too!_

_(Tears sleeve on door handle) Oh, awesome! The beatnik look is BACK!_

_Oh, this mouldy shirt feels so great on my skin… Oooh! There's a silverfish in my armpit!_

_Oh WOW… BELLY-BUTTON LINT! I can make a scarf with a month's worth of this!_

_Oh, these shoes were so last century… I'LL TAKE 'EM!_

_La la la… And a dash of earwax for colour. Tah-dah! It's finished!_

_WASHING MACHINES LIVE LONGER WITH CALGON!_

_I'm not wearing underwear today._

_AWESOME! I'll never get this stain out!_

_ARGH! DON'T SPILL MY BLEACH!_

_How I envy that Wario. I wish I could wear overalls and make my bottom look bigger._

_Kiki… Your dress looks like a bin-liner! …Where did you get it? I WANT ONE!_

_That pattern looks like fish vomit… …AMAZING! I LOVE IT!_

_…Well, it hurt, but at least I'm not in fashion. (Sticks safety-pin through ear)_

_I LOVE PAINTBALLING! MY BEST CLOTHES GET SO WRECKED! AWESOME!_

_…Oooh, the silverfish is TICKLING me!_

_Those sandals went out of fashion with the Romans. I NEED A PAIR, STAT!_

_You're going bog snorkelling? I'll just get my high heels and my frog goggles._

_CILLIT BANG REALLY WORKS! BANG, AND THE DIRT IS GONE!_

_I would like a hat crafted from only the finest of horse dung, please._

_Oh… That looks so great on you… It's so much better than what I could make…_

_WHAT?! GIVE ME BACK MY CABBAGE!_

_Please; hit me with as many cream pies as you like - this outfit is my best one._

_Will I take the GREEN HERB? …Damn right I will!_

_Awww…! A SKUNK! (Hugs)_

_(Scarfs down large earwigs) Yummy for your tummy!_

_…FOR BONZER CAR INSURANCE DEEEEEALS! GIRLS GET ONTO SHELIA'S WHEEEEEEEELS!_

_I don't follow fashion really, I'm an original punk rocker who wears old pillowcases._

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End file.
